Wolf's Oath | About Me
Leaving Childish Ways Behind
1 Corinthians 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.
I was raised in a family of women with strong personalities. Males in my family were far in between. There was no high regard for them. Not too much value was placed on them. Handy men or Mr.-Fix-It's were valued. Don Juan types, simply known today as players, were valued. I was neither. Intellectual types, artists, and athletes were to them of little value. I, being an intellectual type, was not valued and was for the most part treated as such.
As a child I lived with my Puerto Rican parents in one of the largest cities in the USA. This affected my sense of cultural identity. I was a sickly child. My mother took care of me for the most part. My father was distant. I came to know later that I was an unwanted surprise. They loved me but I was to them a burden. As I was sickly my mother was protective and overbearing. My mother told me that by the time I was seven months old I started suffering what I later knew as Allergic Rhinitis (Chronic Sinusitis) and suffered from fever convulsions. I was at the Doctor's office and emergency room often.
Raised around women that devalued me and without a Father I lacked proper mentors and mentorship on every stage of my development. I had no one to believe in my capabilities. I was told to leave things alone, because I did not know how to do them. As a result I never learned how to do them. Later I was chastised for not knowing how to do them. I was in their eyes incompetent. I had no male role model to learn from about the opposite sex. Of course later on I was made fun of for not knowing. I grew up being a slacker and a coward. Old style Puerto Rican women do all for the men. So, I was trained to do little. Later I was called lazy and inconsiderate, because I did little. (Which was true.) No matter what I did I was wrong and never good enough. I was looking for someone I could please. I wanted to feel appreciated. I was considered incompetent and clumsy. Naturally, since I was not taught to be anything else. I was lead to believe I was not needed. I lived up to their expectations. Then, I started to believe that this was true. Thankfully, God gave me a sense of moral consciousness. So I did not involve myself in many wild and evil behaviors. (Mostly out of fear, though.) My Mom and I frequently moved, it was hard to grow roots anywhere.
The conditions of my rearing made me the perfect prey for certain childhood traumas, which I suffered. I was wounded before I was ready to fight back or defend myself. Furthermore, I was not taught to grieve, much less given permission. I was in deep pain. I felt lonely, abandoned and rejected. Needles to say, my self-esteem and self-confidence were very low. I was resentful and angry, and thought that I was justified. While externally I was pleasant and pretty much well behaved, internally I was very immature. To use apostle Paul's terminology in 1 Corinthians 13:11, I had a lot of childish ways. In time I not only was childish (immature), but I wanted to remain childish. As I refused to grow up, my life got worse. I had no purpose and no direction. I say now that two words described me best: aimless and scattered. I was frantically searching everywhere I could, to find what I needed. Nothing worked.
It should come as no surprise that I did not take myself seriously, and in turn I was not taken seriously. I did not respect myself and in turn I was disrespected, which made me even more resentful. I realized that if I wanted it to stop I had to do something about it. Yes, I could partly blame others for my `problems', but this was not helping me. Up to this point the people I knew that followed Jesus were, as far as I was concern also immature. I resisted surrendering to Christ because I did not want Him to transform me into someone like them. In my late 20's I met two persons that I grew to respect. They were God-fearing, praying Christians. At last I had an example in these two sisters of what Jesus could do, and I was “OK” with it. When I reached my personal rock bottom I cried out to Him for help. I finally accepted Him as my personal Savior. Knowing He would not transform me into something I did not like, I surrendered to Him. I am saved by the grace of God through the faith of Jesus that dwells in me by the ministry of the Holy Spirit. Amen! Hallelujah!
God started by showing me how my childish ways displeased Him. He put people in my life to encourage me and lead me to deeper and deeper Truth. He guided me to books and videos that would give me a better and greater understanding of His will and Message. He has helped me leave childish ways behind. He helped me understand that my cultural identity is anchored in Him and His Kingdom. From a confused male He is transforming me into a Godly man. His Gilead balm has soothed, healed, and comforted me. God taught me to grieve and has given me permission to grieve. By His grace, I am less resentful, able to forgive and accept forgiveness. I am a work in progress. But, I am confident that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (Phillippians 1:6)